Inviting Positive Change

It’s March, which means that there’s a pretty good chance that if you set a New Year’s resolution for 2022, you’ve officially given up on it by the time you’re reading this. And if you’re one of the few that didn’t set a resolution- is that because you have no behaviors you’d like to shift? Or is it because you realized long ago that not only do your resolutions not work, but that the shame of ‘failing’ at them leaves you feeling worse off than if you had never tried at all? If the latter sounds more accurate, firstly, I feel you, and second, keep reading. This post just might shift your perspective a bit.

You see, many of us have caught on to the trick by now- resolutions are just a big marketing ploy to get us to buy planners, enroll in programs, and download apps, all for the promise of a better future version of ourselves, when all we ending up doing is padding the pockets of the personal development industry.

And yet despite that, we continue to make them, so they must serve some purpose! While you might be expecting this yogi to sit here and tell you that ‘you don’t need resolutions, instead choose the path of self-acceptance’, I’m not going to do that. Partly because I know that won’t work, and also because I’m in the business of helping people reduce their suffering. And the reality is, sometimes our suffering IS coming from behaviors that are no longer serving us, or from behaviors that we need to do but aren’t.

So if you’re looking for some positive change, but have realized that your resolution setting isn’t working for you, here are a few things that have helped me change my relationship with resolutions. I hope some of them may help you, too.

Make sure it’s something you actually care about.
Now, you may read that and think ‘duh’! If you set a goal/resolution around it, of course it’s something you care about, right? But SO, SO many resolutions are started simply because people believe it’s what they’re supposed to do, want, or care about: losing weight, running a 5k, not swearing, spending more time with their kids, etc., etc., etc. These have all been held up by society as worthy goals, so people will resolve year after year to make those shifts, even if it’s not something that THEY actually want. Or perhaps they’d kind of like to have it, but once they look at the time, money, or energy they need to spend to get it, it becomes less important. If you have a resolution that you've made over and over again, but haven’t made progress on, you might want to spend some time contemplating how important it is to you. And the next time you set an intention to change some aspect of your life, stop and think about it. Do you really want to make that change? Or do you just think you’re supposed to? If the answer is ‘I’m not sure,’ you many want to start with some values work. Just because achieving a goal made someone else happy, doesn’t mean that achieving it will make you happy.
Borrowed resolutions aren’t the answer. Instead, ask yourself what’s really important to YOU?
Know your ‘Why’
Ok, so you’ve now determined that this is something that you actually care about. Why? How will making this change benefit you? Will it reduce your suffering in some way? Will it increase your sense of well being? Is it just a first step for some other changes you want to make? Getting clear on your ‘why’ can help you increase your commitment on days when motivation lags or it feels like you’re not making progress. But that’s not the only reason I consider it essential.
Choosing the right ‘why’ changes your approach. When we emphasize our ‘why,’ we become more present focused, holistic, and intentional. Rather than working to achieve a goal at any cost, how we get there starts to matter. The intentions behind our actions can quite literally determine whether or not we reap the intended benefits.
Consider three different people, all with the same fitness-related goal, all age 58. (I’m not going to state what that goal is because you’ll see in a minute it doesn’t matter.) Let’s say that person A set this goal because they want to have more energy so they can spend as much quality time as possible with their new grandchild. Person B sets the same fitness goal, but their ‘why’ is so they can climb Mount Everest before their 60th birthday. Person C’s ‘why’ is that their doctor told them they needed to or they will end up sick. Who do you think is going to be more committed in the short term? In the long term? Who do you think will still be making small but steady improvements in their fitness 10 years from now? Whose exercise schedule is going to be the most intense? Who’s more likely to make their workout a group activity? Who is most likely to give up if they get injured or sick? Who’s going to feel like they’ve failed if they fall a bit short of their goal, even though they made progress?
While the answers to some of those questions depend partly on personality, the reason the goal was set also has a huge influence. None of the individuals’ reasons for setting their goal are wrong in and of themselves, but if they’re not honest with themselves about their ‘why,’ they might take an approach that doesn’t work for them and end up falling short of their own expectations. Self-understanding and intentional action are cornerstones of yogic philosophy. Knowing why we do what we do, and choosing action based on our values, gives us an internal source of motivation that is so much more sustainable.
When looking at shifts you want to make in your life, be honest with yourself about your ‘why,’ make THAT the priority, and then make sure your actions are in alignment.
Accept everything.
And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING: yourself, your current circumstances, the attitudes of the people around you, and, perhaps most importantly, the thoughts and emotions you have toward all of these things. It might seem counterintuitive to ask you to accept where you’re at if the whole focus of this article is to make a change in your life. But acceptance is an essential step of the process. Acceptance allows you to stop pushing away what’s true right now, so you can look at it clearly, without the additional challenging emotions that resistance can bring up in us. When we can look at ourselves, and our lives, with full acceptance for what is, we stop operating from a place of shame, denial, or self-flagellation. We have the opportunity to let go of feelings of unworthiness, imperfection, inadequacy, fear of failure. So many of us run on the fuel of these emotions. In the short term this may serve as effective motivation. In the long run though, these feelings deplete us of our energy and are much more likely to make us feel like we cannot, or do not deserve to, achieve the things we want to achieve.
If we are able to instead begin from a place of compassionate acceptance, we can initiate change from a place of curiosity, out of a desire for expansion and evolution, in order to move toward something that excites us rather than away from aspects of our realities that we do not want.
You are a human being, not a project. How much more energy would you have to do new things if first you fully accepted yourself and your life as it is right now?