Repairing Relationships with Ho'oponopono

Ho'oponopono Meditation is a traditional Hawaiian practice that also makes for a powerful meditation.  

The phrase ‘ho-oponopono’ can be translated as ‘to set right,’ or ‘to bring back into balance,’ and the practice beautifully serves as both a relational process for reconciliation as well as a meditative practice of compassion and self-love. (If you want to learn more about the history of this practice, visit the “going deeper” section at the bottom of this page.)

There are four phrases in the practice:

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

As Meditation

As a meditation, you may simply choose to repeat these 4 short sentences. Yes, it’s simple. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy or insignificant practice. For most of us, each of these sentences hold a lot of internalized meaning. You likely have strong feelings, of some kind, about the words ‘sorry’, ‘forgive’, ‘thanks’, and ‘love’. Those deep imprints on our psyche makes these words powerful enough to create a huge energetic shift. Let’s spend a little time contemplating the parts.

I’m sorry. I acknowledge this act of self-abandonment, or any previous acts of self-abandonment in general.  I take responsibility for these choices.

Please forgive me. Please accept this expression of remorse as my intention make changes. Please appreciate my humble efforts and have compassion for my missteps.

Thank you.  Thank you for hearing this. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for all that you do.

I love you.  I value you. I appreciate you. I respect you.

You may choose to use this meditation as part of healing a specific transgression you’ve been making against yourself. Transgressions like not accepting, being angry toward, or even actively hating a specific part of your body; dishonoring yourself by withholding rest, support, patience, or self-compassion; or habitually treating your needs as less important than those of everyone around you. When we use this practice to intentionally apologize to ourselves for acts of self-abandonment, it can be transformative in a way that is hard to describe in words. This meditation can work magic on the relationship you have with yourself.

A Meditative Practice for Expanding Compassion and  Self-Love

Settle into your preferred position for meditation. Take some time to find your breath and settle the mind. If you are meditating on a specific act of self-abandonment, bring it to mind. When you are ready, begin to repeat the words. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Say them out loud if you can- hearing your own voice can help increase focus and commitment to the intention. After each sentence, pause and sit with the meaning behind the words. (By the way, the order itself is not that important. If it feels more natural to say them in a different order, then do so!)

As a Relational Practice of Reconciliation

Whether practiced as meditation or live conversation, ho-oponopono is also a powerful way to heal in our interpersonal relationships.

I’m sorry. I acknowledge the wrongdoing and resulting feelings.  I take responsibility for my part in this issue and feel remorseful for causing, or contributing to, or allowing this to have occurred.

Please forgive me. Can we make the choice, together, to set down this burden that is blocking us from connection and progression?

Thank you. Not just gratitude for their forgiveness. For their presence?  For their attention?  For their care?  Gratitude for your continued relationship with them, or for unique aspects of their personhood that you appreciate.

I love you. Because it can never be said too much.

This small act, the act of taking total responsibility, can move even a seemingly immovable heart and begin repair where it was once thought to be impossible. And if it feels too difficult to do this face-to-face? You may have noticed in the description above that I offered two choices for using this process for interpersonal healing: as the framework for a conversation, or as another individual meditation. Yes, this practice can heal even from a distance. (Read about Dr. Hew Len’s work in the section below.)

A Meditative Practice for Interpersonal Healing

Settle into your preferred position for meditation. Take some time to find your breath and settle the mind. Bring to mind the individual with whom you are wanting to repair and, if applicable, the event that caused a rupture. When you are ready, begin to repeat the words: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Say them out loud if you can- hearing your own voice can help increase focus and commitment to the intention. After each sentence, pause and visualize the other receiving your words and the meaning behind them.

Going deeper

What’s the history behind ho’oponopono? Ho’oponopono was a traditional Hawaiian group ritual for healing, most specifically for healing family and other interpersonal conflict. In the 1970s, Morrnah Simeona adapted it to apply to modern life as a spiritual practice for both self and interpersonal healing. She wove in a philosophy of personal responsibility for all of life’s circumstances, identifying problems as the effects of negative karma and ho’oponopono as a process for clearing past traumas and negative experiences from embodied memory. The process as she taught it is known as Self I-Dentity through Ho’oponopono. One of her students, Dr. Hew Len, was discovered by author Joe Vitale, and together they wrote the book Zero Limits, which is based on Simeona’s teachings, albeit with some variations.

Does it really work? Psychotherapist Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len cured every patient in a ward for the criminally insane at Hawai’i State Hospital in the 1980’s, allegedly without ever directly working with them. He walked through the halls and reviewed their files, but then turned his attention inward, allowing his focus on self healing through ho’oponopono to bring healing to those patients. Since then, many formal studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of ho’oponopono in areas as varied as family therapy, conflict resolution, the therapeutic forgiveness process, hypertension management, stress reduction, and sleep quality.

How long should you practice? This practice can be short! Much like metta meditation, just a few minutes can start to make a difference. However, the true intention of embarking on this process is to allow it to become a constant mantra operating in the background of your being at every moment, constantly clearing out old karmas and moving toward balance and expanded self-awareness.

“If we can accept that we are the sum total of all past thoughts, emotions, words, deeds and actions and that our present lives and choices are colored or shaded by this memory bank of the past, then we begin to see how a process of correcting or setting aright can change our lives, our families and our society.”

Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona