F**k Discipline

Some musings on one of current time’s most popular self-development words. This blog post is a bit of a ramble. A stream of consciousness, if you will. Not much ‘commercial’ value here, no actionable steps. But hopefully it provides a little food for thought.

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What comes to mind when you think of the word discipline? Does it make you think of strength or willpower? Determination? Self-control? What about punishment or self-flagellation?

We have words in order to allow the sharing of concepts with others, but often, a will word we use to describe a concept in our minds can have a very different meaning to someone else.

Because the word discipline is so incredibly ubiquitous in the world of personal development, I think it’s worth exploring a little deeper.

Whether you have a negative or positive connotation towards this word, you are correct.

Whatever we believe, whatever we feel, is what comes to life for us in the events we observe. But if you feel that this word has a negative connotation- punishment, self -flagellation, etc.- you're a little bit more right, in a sense.

Because while there are some really lovely aspects to the etymology of this word, its first use in English is pretty clearly in reference to punishment.

The very first time that it was used in English, it described “chastisement of a religious nature.”

So it's funny that this word,

a word that has become synonymous with the pursuit of success and personal development,

a word that is considered a non-negotiable for growth,

is actually rooted in a very, very negative place.

When individuals in the personal development field promote discipline, they may not realize that they are promoting something that stems from the concept of negative reinforcement.

Or maybe they do.

You know, it's kind of funny because I actually feel like a lot of the people that are really big on discipline-

those people with podcasts on personal development who love to say that “whoever's not successful, their issue lies in a lack of discipline”-

you can see some of that self-punishment within these people.
You can see that they they probably tend to be pretty hard on themselves.
That their life is centered around self-denial. That their EGO, their sense of self-value, is centered around self denial.

Personally, I've always had a pretty difficult relationship with this concept. I am not big on the idea of discipline.

The more inner work I’ve done, the more work I have done with others who are seeking true transformation, who are seeking to transcend their unproductive habits and patterns,

the more I have shifted away from the concept of ‘discipline.’

Because the more I’ve observed my own and others’ behavioral patterns, the more I’ve realized that ideally, discipline is an OUTCOME, not a tool.

And that's not to say that there aren't things that I did that there are not things that I dedicate myself to, I absolutely do.

There are many things that I do every day that I am committed to, that many people would look at and say ‘this is an example of discipline.’ But for me, because of the negative connotation I have with that word, it’s not something that I choose to align with.

What's actually happened is every action that I partake in in my life that looks like discipline, is actually an act of self love.

For me, discipline was exercise addiction and an eating disorder.

Discipline was when I was working hard in my job so that I could prove to others that I had value.

Discipline was a very negative, fearful, critical inner voice that forced me out of bed and into action.

That is not me now.

While many of the behaviors may look the same, they are now acts of love. They are acts of dedication to myself. They are acts of appreciation for myself, or acts of love and appreciation for someone else.

And I really try to make every choice in my life this way. And everyone is capable of shifting to this much more sustainable, easeful, and enjoyable way of moving through life.

Unfortunately, people are so afraid that if they let go of the self punishment, that it will result in chaos and lack of motivation and laziness and procrastination.

But what actually happens is that once you start to release the self punishment, your inner self- whether you want to call that your inner child, your deeper self, whatever it is- responds so beautifully.

You suddenly find that there’s space for you to be able to examine objectively- what action is the most loving action for this moment?

Think about a new love, or any love in your life. You probably take daily committed action to supporting that person and the relationship. But I can guarantee you you wouldn't consider it discipline. Because it feels as easy as breathing.

Are there times where you may feel tired and not want to do something and do it anyway? Yes.

If the word discipline works for you then ignore everything I’ve just said. The reality is we're talking about semantics here.

The word is just a standard for a concept, and so if that word is associated with a different concept for you, then use it. But if we are doing an action that we don't feel like doing out of self-punishment or ‘not enough-ness,’ that to me is not the kind of discipline I want in my life.

For me, discipline is something that you may do when you don't feel like it but it's out of a great act of love.

Maybe because I know my body will respond well to this. It's because I know that my partner needs me, or I know that my commitment and love for this person, this relationship, this path, this career choice is greater than whatever feelings I have in the moment. For me, that's where discipline can be a good thing. But we get it all mixed up and it gets really icky and a lot of the time when I hear people talk about discipline, they're pulling from that old English meaning.

Other points and etymology of the word actually are quite lovely, right? So discipline comes from the word ‘disciple’, someone who is dedicated to learning, someone who wants to be a scholar, someone who is a follower of a belief system or a person.

So at its root, discipline is a commitment to love. But for so long we have been perverting its its true essence.

And so I invite you to look at how you're approaching your daily actions.

Do you get mad at yourself when you don't do something consistently? Are you caught up in a multi-layer event of self-flagellation where the thing that you're trying to do is self-flagellating? And then when you don't do it because you don't feel good, you then flagellate yourself for not doing it.

That's a lot of heavy, heavy energy to try to work through. And if that's what's happening for you, no wonder the actions you're wanting to take aren't being taken.

So how do you think of the word ‘discipline’?

Because for me, again, there are many things that I am committed to. There are many things that I am very, very committed to.

However, I have tried as much as possible to make sure that all of those behaviors of commitment are sourced in love.

Not fear, Not obligation. Not punishing myself because I should be doing ‘XYZ,’

but out of love.